Swelltide.

Therapy today. Kind of a review session. It's been ten visits, from the first session I've had. We talked about how some circumstances have changed. How I feel now compared to how I felt then.

Much better. Not perfect. Not 'healed'. Not euphoric, but better. I can think straight. I can see things closer to reality now. Much of my cognitive shifts have very little to do with my being bipolar, though maybe the medication helps more than I give it credit for.

I do miss the ups. I don't miss the ups and downs, and since I am not currently taking anything for depression alone, my feelings about life can't be attributed to a chemical state in my brain. I am still living with the depression. I still have trouble sleeping sometimes. I still have a hard time getting out of bed sometimes. I still deal with feeling numb occasionally. Despair, occasionally. This to me, is worth the alternative. Being a zombie. Feeling nothing. I get the ups-- much less frequent, and I get the downs, but thanks to therapy I've handled much of this a lot better.

My perspective has completely changed-- about everything. I am not dreading all of the upcoming school work (which is daunting, but not scary) and the relationship that I have with my family has improved somewhat. They may never know about my being bipolar. Even the stress of deciding whether they should know is gone. They may never know, and I don't need to tell them. I don't need much of anything.

Should my job accommodate my school schedule like they claim, then I am set. Time to study. I have the kind of job with plenty of down-time. It is perfect.

I have felt exceedingly level, lately. The calm before the storm, maybe. I will find out. There are so many positive changes coming up. I have oriented life where I want it to go, something I had made many excuses for not doing before.

I still don't know everything about bipolar. I still don't know what to expect in the long-term. I won't know. Bipolar is a different animal for everyone living with it. Which, can be frustrating for someone trying to learn about it. Trying to tame the animal. Some things, like all of the stress that I had carried around for so long, you just have to let go. You have to assume that some things are out of your control.